I don't like myself lately...(part I)
The title really says it all. It's always fun/scary/embarrassing to sit back and reminisce about the past. Sometimes i'm remind of high school days - the drama, baseball, mentors, girlfriend, friends - all the fun stuff that you thought would never end. Every once and awhile i think back to college, usually i'm reminded of my time in IN; it's where i found some of my closest friends and also learned a lot about myself. And some of my best moments of nostalgia are when i'm reminded of how Cheryl and I started, and ended up - it all really happened fast and was so much fun.
These memories were years ago; i used to use that term "years ago" lightly, but now that i sit and actually think about how long ago that was, I feel old. However, recently i've been flashing back to quickly, at least for my liking. Last week I had exams, it was not a fun week (they usually aren't), but these week proved more difficult than most. The pressures of school have been getting to me. Whether that consists of workload, drama (med school is just like high school), boards, etc., everything just felt like it was raining down wherever i went.
For over a year and half, Cheryl would always say how impressed she was at how i handled school; she would point out that i stayed pretty optimistic and didn't complain, I just did the work. I try not to get stressed, i just figure, it has to be done, there's no sense in complaining b/c it just wastes time. I attribute that perspective as a result of "tough love" from my pops...i keep hearing, "just do it and get it done," over and over. Used to tick me off - "no dad, i'd rather sit here annoyed, complaining and just delay the inevitable," (yes i had amazing syntax as a child). But now, my skin crawls whenever i'm walking around school hearing my fellow students, in the exact same boat as everyone else, whine about how much work they have (scratch head)...what? But i digress...i promise, this is more about me than anyone.
So last weeks exams...like i said, school had been frustrating and time consuming, not to mention the annoying things administration decided to dump on us in the middle of it all. So after a very frustrating exam I came home and I swear my head was about to pop off...like a cartoon where steam comes out of their ears...that was me. I called Cheryl and just let a lot of stuff out. I know, b/c we talked about it, that she literally didn't know what to say at the time. Then I called my dad, and if anything was left over, he got to hear it - "it doesn't matter how much we study, these exams are ridiculous; how is this testing our knowledge, how is this preparing us" , you get the idea.
After about an hour I checked my email...from Cheryl:
"I was thinking about what's been happening with school lately. I'm really praying that it doesn't get you down. You are goign to be such an amazing doctor and I fully believe that God made you to be in that position. I know you were probably joking about quitting but I'm sure there is some teenie bit that would be truth b/c it would be a relief to not have to deal with all this junk. Please take a breath, maybe a break with the dogs or just yourself and God and get back to who you are. You are amazing and it upsets me that these people who have so much control over your past couple years and the next couple years can cause this frustration and discouragement. Don't worry, I'm not scared that you're going to quit...I just don't want your spirit to be broken. I love you so much and want you to have the best experience and I know that bad experiences will come and you'll learn from them, but I hate seeing you go through them and it's hard when I have nothing to say back to you to help you. Anyway...I hope you understand the point I'm trying to make.
Have a wonderful day. I can't wait to see you when I get home.
I love you so much!"
The short of it is...my wife is amazing and i don't deserve her. I know she was worried how i would take this, but i can assure you as soon as i read this i just sank. My heart rate slowed, my breathing calmed; I had an immediate reflection on what had just passed...and I didn't like myself; how could i forget so quickly how gracious God is to even allow me to live each day? How can I not be reminded that becoming a doctor, taking these exams, studying, is a blessing? What is stopping me from seeing this as an opportunity to persevere? Why did i lose sight of what is really important so quick?...but it didn't really stop there, I had another opportunity to disappoint myself the very next morning...(to be continued)
These memories were years ago; i used to use that term "years ago" lightly, but now that i sit and actually think about how long ago that was, I feel old. However, recently i've been flashing back to quickly, at least for my liking. Last week I had exams, it was not a fun week (they usually aren't), but these week proved more difficult than most. The pressures of school have been getting to me. Whether that consists of workload, drama (med school is just like high school), boards, etc., everything just felt like it was raining down wherever i went.
For over a year and half, Cheryl would always say how impressed she was at how i handled school; she would point out that i stayed pretty optimistic and didn't complain, I just did the work. I try not to get stressed, i just figure, it has to be done, there's no sense in complaining b/c it just wastes time. I attribute that perspective as a result of "tough love" from my pops...i keep hearing, "just do it and get it done," over and over. Used to tick me off - "no dad, i'd rather sit here annoyed, complaining and just delay the inevitable," (yes i had amazing syntax as a child). But now, my skin crawls whenever i'm walking around school hearing my fellow students, in the exact same boat as everyone else, whine about how much work they have (scratch head)...what? But i digress...i promise, this is more about me than anyone.
So last weeks exams...like i said, school had been frustrating and time consuming, not to mention the annoying things administration decided to dump on us in the middle of it all. So after a very frustrating exam I came home and I swear my head was about to pop off...like a cartoon where steam comes out of their ears...that was me. I called Cheryl and just let a lot of stuff out. I know, b/c we talked about it, that she literally didn't know what to say at the time. Then I called my dad, and if anything was left over, he got to hear it - "it doesn't matter how much we study, these exams are ridiculous; how is this testing our knowledge, how is this preparing us" , you get the idea.
After about an hour I checked my email...from Cheryl:
"I was thinking about what's been happening with school lately. I'm really praying that it doesn't get you down. You are goign to be such an amazing doctor and I fully believe that God made you to be in that position. I know you were probably joking about quitting but I'm sure there is some teenie bit that would be truth b/c it would be a relief to not have to deal with all this junk. Please take a breath, maybe a break with the dogs or just yourself and God and get back to who you are. You are amazing and it upsets me that these people who have so much control over your past couple years and the next couple years can cause this frustration and discouragement. Don't worry, I'm not scared that you're going to quit...I just don't want your spirit to be broken. I love you so much and want you to have the best experience and I know that bad experiences will come and you'll learn from them, but I hate seeing you go through them and it's hard when I have nothing to say back to you to help you. Anyway...I hope you understand the point I'm trying to make.
Have a wonderful day. I can't wait to see you when I get home.
I love you so much!"
The short of it is...my wife is amazing and i don't deserve her. I know she was worried how i would take this, but i can assure you as soon as i read this i just sank. My heart rate slowed, my breathing calmed; I had an immediate reflection on what had just passed...and I didn't like myself; how could i forget so quickly how gracious God is to even allow me to live each day? How can I not be reminded that becoming a doctor, taking these exams, studying, is a blessing? What is stopping me from seeing this as an opportunity to persevere? Why did i lose sight of what is really important so quick?...but it didn't really stop there, I had another opportunity to disappoint myself the very next morning...(to be continued)
posted by J. Entwistle at 1:16 PM
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