Still don't like myself...round 2
NOTE: If you are just joining me, you may want to read the post below this one, otherwise, you may not fully understand what i'm talking about.
When Cheryl came home the night of that frustrating day, we had some really good talks. I explained how her email did not upset me in any way. It was a great reminder, encouragement and conviction all wrapped up into one. I explained how the rest of the day was well spent - I wasn't discouraged, I really felt like i had moved past my frustration and was even able to prepare for the next days exam. But little did I know that tomorrow was just going to be another chance for me to...shine?
Not so...but let's discuss this idea first. Prayer is a crazy thing. Cheryl and I were talking recently and I was explaining to her how the closer I feel in my relationship to Christ the more difficult I find it to pray. When I'm closest with Christ, I have this heightened sense of His will in my life...I don't think this is uncommon. However, when I go to pray and be before Christ I find I have little to say. It isn't b/c I think I know the answers, but it's an ultimate realization that I don't know the answers. I don't really know what to pray for. Sure, praying for others isn't that difficult, but when it comes to me, most of the time i'm silent or just praising God for the Holy Spirit in our lives, who intercedes for us and conveys our message. Then i'm reminded that God does care what i have to say, ask, seek and I should ask...but now the response is tricky, which brings me to the idea of having the chance to shine.
When we pray and ask for courage, wisdom, boldness, faith, etc., do we think that Christ sends it to us? Do we expect that the next moment, the next hour, the next morning we will wake and BE courageous, wise, bold or faithful? Sure God has the ability to work that way, but God knows us...how would we grow or learn if our request were granted as if He was a genie in a bottle? So when we pray, God may grant us with the OPPORTUNITY to be courageous, an OPPORTUNITY to be wise, bold, faithful. It's up to us to recognize this and allow God the ability to work through us and "give freely". I see these circumstances as God's answer. He knows we can be faithful, if we are just given a chance to be; sometimes we fail to see it, sometimes we fall when we do see it. God definitely used Cheryl to help me see that I was failing in my chance to persevere, to rely on Him, and yet, the very next morning I fell again.
A little background on that morning. The exam was Nutrition...as far as med school goes, not a heavy hitter for boards and doesn't really rank high on the list of important things we need to know. It's important, don't get me wrong, but with Pathology and Physiology taking up a HUGE chunk of boards, this just doesn't quite match up. The nice thing was the material was easy to study (well put together, organized, etc.), but as usual, the amount was insane; just a lot of info that i can't seem to fit anywhere in my head (I told Cheryl a few weeks ago that i felt like my brain was full). A few students had to take the exam earlier b/c they were leaving for a conference that day...and through the rumor mill, I learned the the exam "was insane". Oh goodie, now as an added bonus to an already tough week, I have a not-so-important exam that is going to crush me no matter how much I study. Usually I don't let the rumors get to me, but like I said earlier, this week was different than most.
On exam days, I typically get up early; anywhere between 4:30 and 5:30 depending on the exam. So that morning i'm up, working on the few hours of sleep I got, trying to review what i've studied the past few days. Meanwhile there's that voice in my head that keeps reminding me, "this exam is going to be awful...this is such a pain...I don't know it well enough...memorize every detail...this exam is going to be awful." And so I enter into a territory I haven't been at in my med school years. In the past (and this morning), when I would study and feel overwhelmed, I try to study faster. I try and read faster, I try to memorize faster, I try to squeeze it all in faster; this usually ends up counteracting what i had originally intended. I just get more and more frustrated - "I can do this, I can remember this, I won't let this beat me" - anyone notice a reoccurring theme there? I did, and it made me stop dead in my studying.
It's the same with every sin, isn't it? When we do recognize the sin, WE try and beat it - "I know this is wrong, I'm going to stop thinking it", and yet the only thing we can do is think about the thing we were trying to avoid; "that which i ought to do, I do not and that which i ought not to do, I do." Lust, greed, gluttony, envy, gossip, anger...pick your poison. For some reason we've convinced ourselves that WE overcome these sins...when we're told to "flee from the sin" ultimately we should be fleeing to Christ to carry us through it, to rely on Him to protect us and "deliver us from evil." We will overcome them, but it's by Christ, not ourselves.
I sat at my desk, staring blankly at my papers, "I'm doing it again...this is the OPPORTUNITY to rely on You and I'm blowing it." Nothing more humbling than realizing you screwed up that fast. Well, I still wasn't too happy with myself, as I pictured Jesus standing next to me saying, "i'm right here, what's the problem?" But isn't it great that His love for us is unconditional?
In that moment I knew what I needed...Him. With just an hour left to study and what seemed like a mountain of papers to get through, I had to walk away. I could have studied for a week straight, I could have memorized every word on each piece of paper, but none of that would have mattered if I didn't let God walk in front of me. I went downstairs away from my desk, prayed and read some scripture. It wasn't a magical time where i turned to the exact scripture I needed to read for that moment, it was just time for me and God. It was time for me to find forgiveness, time to recognize His presence in every hour of my life, and time to offer it to Him. It was a good time.
The rest of that morning, I casually looked over my papers as time allowed, but i didn't feel the pressure, I didn't feel the stress, I didn't feel the need to absorb it all. I don't think it was because they were taken away, but rather that I wasn't bearing the weight.
I didn't like myself, even after it was over, I still didn't like that I let those "things" take control of me; even now i'm annoyed that i ended up there. Hopefully, this will just be a reminder for the next time.
When Cheryl came home the night of that frustrating day, we had some really good talks. I explained how her email did not upset me in any way. It was a great reminder, encouragement and conviction all wrapped up into one. I explained how the rest of the day was well spent - I wasn't discouraged, I really felt like i had moved past my frustration and was even able to prepare for the next days exam. But little did I know that tomorrow was just going to be another chance for me to...shine?
Not so...but let's discuss this idea first. Prayer is a crazy thing. Cheryl and I were talking recently and I was explaining to her how the closer I feel in my relationship to Christ the more difficult I find it to pray. When I'm closest with Christ, I have this heightened sense of His will in my life...I don't think this is uncommon. However, when I go to pray and be before Christ I find I have little to say. It isn't b/c I think I know the answers, but it's an ultimate realization that I don't know the answers. I don't really know what to pray for. Sure, praying for others isn't that difficult, but when it comes to me, most of the time i'm silent or just praising God for the Holy Spirit in our lives, who intercedes for us and conveys our message. Then i'm reminded that God does care what i have to say, ask, seek and I should ask...but now the response is tricky, which brings me to the idea of having the chance to shine.
When we pray and ask for courage, wisdom, boldness, faith, etc., do we think that Christ sends it to us? Do we expect that the next moment, the next hour, the next morning we will wake and BE courageous, wise, bold or faithful? Sure God has the ability to work that way, but God knows us...how would we grow or learn if our request were granted as if He was a genie in a bottle? So when we pray, God may grant us with the OPPORTUNITY to be courageous, an OPPORTUNITY to be wise, bold, faithful. It's up to us to recognize this and allow God the ability to work through us and "give freely". I see these circumstances as God's answer. He knows we can be faithful, if we are just given a chance to be; sometimes we fail to see it, sometimes we fall when we do see it. God definitely used Cheryl to help me see that I was failing in my chance to persevere, to rely on Him, and yet, the very next morning I fell again.
A little background on that morning. The exam was Nutrition...as far as med school goes, not a heavy hitter for boards and doesn't really rank high on the list of important things we need to know. It's important, don't get me wrong, but with Pathology and Physiology taking up a HUGE chunk of boards, this just doesn't quite match up. The nice thing was the material was easy to study (well put together, organized, etc.), but as usual, the amount was insane; just a lot of info that i can't seem to fit anywhere in my head (I told Cheryl a few weeks ago that i felt like my brain was full). A few students had to take the exam earlier b/c they were leaving for a conference that day...and through the rumor mill, I learned the the exam "was insane". Oh goodie, now as an added bonus to an already tough week, I have a not-so-important exam that is going to crush me no matter how much I study. Usually I don't let the rumors get to me, but like I said earlier, this week was different than most.
On exam days, I typically get up early; anywhere between 4:30 and 5:30 depending on the exam. So that morning i'm up, working on the few hours of sleep I got, trying to review what i've studied the past few days. Meanwhile there's that voice in my head that keeps reminding me, "this exam is going to be awful...this is such a pain...I don't know it well enough...memorize every detail...this exam is going to be awful." And so I enter into a territory I haven't been at in my med school years. In the past (and this morning), when I would study and feel overwhelmed, I try to study faster. I try and read faster, I try to memorize faster, I try to squeeze it all in faster; this usually ends up counteracting what i had originally intended. I just get more and more frustrated - "I can do this, I can remember this, I won't let this beat me" - anyone notice a reoccurring theme there? I did, and it made me stop dead in my studying.
It's the same with every sin, isn't it? When we do recognize the sin, WE try and beat it - "I know this is wrong, I'm going to stop thinking it", and yet the only thing we can do is think about the thing we were trying to avoid; "that which i ought to do, I do not and that which i ought not to do, I do." Lust, greed, gluttony, envy, gossip, anger...pick your poison. For some reason we've convinced ourselves that WE overcome these sins...when we're told to "flee from the sin" ultimately we should be fleeing to Christ to carry us through it, to rely on Him to protect us and "deliver us from evil." We will overcome them, but it's by Christ, not ourselves.
I sat at my desk, staring blankly at my papers, "I'm doing it again...this is the OPPORTUNITY to rely on You and I'm blowing it." Nothing more humbling than realizing you screwed up that fast. Well, I still wasn't too happy with myself, as I pictured Jesus standing next to me saying, "i'm right here, what's the problem?" But isn't it great that His love for us is unconditional?
In that moment I knew what I needed...Him. With just an hour left to study and what seemed like a mountain of papers to get through, I had to walk away. I could have studied for a week straight, I could have memorized every word on each piece of paper, but none of that would have mattered if I didn't let God walk in front of me. I went downstairs away from my desk, prayed and read some scripture. It wasn't a magical time where i turned to the exact scripture I needed to read for that moment, it was just time for me and God. It was time for me to find forgiveness, time to recognize His presence in every hour of my life, and time to offer it to Him. It was a good time.
The rest of that morning, I casually looked over my papers as time allowed, but i didn't feel the pressure, I didn't feel the stress, I didn't feel the need to absorb it all. I don't think it was because they were taken away, but rather that I wasn't bearing the weight.
I didn't like myself, even after it was over, I still didn't like that I let those "things" take control of me; even now i'm annoyed that i ended up there. Hopefully, this will just be a reminder for the next time.
posted by J. Entwistle at 8:10 PM
2 Comments:
that was unbelievable. i'm sad that you had to feel that way, but i'm so glad you found your strength and peace in the Lord. You are a true inspiration to me. the best was the end when you said that hopefully it's just a reminder for next time. You know that this can happen again, but maybe you are better equipped for next time. I'll be praying for you. love you!!!! you too Cheryl!!!
I like the thought that God goes before us and fights our battles before we're even there. I always go back to my "shortened" version of Isiah 58:8. Then your light shall break forth like the morning. And your righteousness shall go before you; The glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard. It makes me rejoice knowing we're not in this alone. Keep persevering man. Love you guys.
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